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Introduction
Work-Out
Blocks
Depression
Hostility
Pessimism
Hatred
Resentment
Assumptions
Withdrawal
Revenge
Rage
Self-Destruct
Irritations
Passive
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 Tools
for Anger Work-Out
Overcoming Hatred
Content:
How does my behavior reflect hatred?
When
I hate a person or a group of people, I:
-
harbor
the most extreme level of anger possible against them.
-
ignore
and avoid them; they don't exist for me.
-
am
easily aggravated by their behavior, looks, or attitudes.
-
get
agitated when I think about them; it gets worse when I am in their presence.
-
have
an antagonistic attitude toward them.
-
find
myself being cruel, vicious, vindictive, or revengeful with them.
-
exhibit
inflamed, incensed, ill-tempered, or disagreeable behavior if the topic of
conversation turns to them.
-
become
rude, belligerent, combative, enraged, or intolerant with them.
-
act
bigoted, prejudiced, callous, insensitive, or malicious toward them.
-
fantasize
murderous, violent, bloodthirsty, inhuman, sadistic ideas about them.
-
become
dogmatic, critical, malicious, and severe in my judgment and statements
about them.
-
look
unfriendly, unfeeling, unlikable, unmerciful, sullen, sulky, or spiteful
whenever I talk to or about them.
-
become
enraged, wrathful, and piqued when I hear their name mentioned in any
positive way.
-
find
myself being cold, distant, aloof, uncaring, and obstinate in my discussions
with them or about them.
-
act
offended, opposed, provoked, or irritated when they speak to me.
-
deliberately
misunderstand them.
What causes my hatred?
My
hatred toward a person or a group of people is rooted in my belief that they
have:
-
treated
me unfairly or abused me.
-
acted
in such a way that my future success was imperiled or adversely affected.
-
unjustly
accused me of wrong doing.
-
laid
a guilt trip on me, preventing me from taking care of myself in a healthy
way.
-
never
given me a chance to be my own person and to feel good about myself.
-
adversely
affected my personal development and contributed to my lowered self-esteem
and self-worth.
-
said
things about me that I can't forgive or forget.
-
acted
in such a way that my resentment and rage are the only possible responses.
-
exhibit
qualities, behavior patterns, or characteristics that have great physical or
emotional danger to me.
-
a
horrible reputation, stigma, or myth about them that is hard to refute or
disprove.
-
had
something better than what I have and are unwilling to share it with me.
-
had
life easier than I, they haven't had to work as hard as I to survive.
-
no
desire to help me reach material or emotional success in life.
-
wretched,
vile, loathsome personalities that breed misery and pain for me.
-
attacked
my reputation or honor, in reality or imagination.
-
been
obstinate, unwilling to submit to my control, power, supervision, or
guidance.
-
been
a threat, either real or imagined, to my sense of security, well-being, and
contentment.
-
never
understood my needs and have ignored me because of this.
-
never
given me approval, recognition, or reinforcement for the "good'' person
that I am.
-
only
pointed out my failures.
-
betrayed
the trust and faith I once placed in them.
-
been
the underlying reasons for my unhappiness today.
-
been
controlling, manipulative, sneaky, ruthless, and scheming in their dealings
with me.
-
hostile,
hateful, and hypercritical ways of dealing with me.
-
been
"power mad'' in their attempts to control me.
What are some examples of my hatred?
My
hatred toward individuals is reflected in the following statements:
-
I
could never be "good'' enough for him.
-
No
matter how hard I tried, I never felt her love.
-
I
was abused (physically, verbally, or emotionally) by him.
-
She
abandoned me long ago.
-
He
lied, cheated, and stole from me.
-
Her
lust for other men was insatiable; I was left alone.
-
I
still feel the pain of her rejection.
-
If
he had done what I asked him to do in the first place this wouldn't be
happening to me now.
-
She
deserves everything she has coming to her. It couldn't have happened to a
"nicer'' person.
-
I
am this way because of the way she treated me.
My
hatred toward groups of people are reflected in the following statements:
-
They
are all just alike: No good!
-
You
can't trust any of them.
-
They
only want to use, abuse, and then discard you.
-
They
are what is keeping our country from being great.
-
If
you give them an inch they'll take a mile.
-
You
can never turn your back on them.
-
They
all have it so much easier then I do; they don't deserve it.
-
Their
one goal in life is to control others.
-
They
always win no matter what; why play the game.
What are some negative effects of my hatred?
Because
of my hatred toward a person or group of people, I find that I am:
-
never
fully happy or content.
-
bitter
and cold toward almost everybody in my life.
-
not
sought out by others to be a friend.
-
socially
isolated and lonely.
-
caustic,
hostile, sarcastic, and cynical.
-
embittered,
saddened, and desolate a good part of the time.
-
lacking
in enthusiasm, energy, and spontaneity in my daily life.
-
cold,
distant, and aloof in my dealings with others.
-
mistrusting,
paranoid, and suspicious in my relationships.
-
stuck
in my quest for healthy self-esteem.
-
guilty
over the negative feelings that I can't let go of.
-
easily
provoked to anger and my "hot buttons'' are pushed when the person or
group of people I hate is mentioned in any positive way.
-
wasteful
in the expenditure of my emotional energy by venting my chronic negative
feelings.
-
prone
to over-compensate by behaving in a completely opposite way from those I
hate.
-
unable
to get on with my life; I tend to dwell on or blame everything on my past.
-
touchy,
highly emotional, or overly sensitive when my "hateful'' behavior is
pointed out to me.
-
defensive
about my right to hold on to my hateful beliefs.
-
more
focused on those I hate than on myself and my personal growth.
-
closed
to the suggestion to forgive and forget the past and get on with the
present.
-
prone
to lose sight of my personal power and my ability to chose what I want to
feel or do.
-
overwhelmed
by my bitterness and anger.
-
unable
to be optimistic.
-
unwilling
to believe that it is my choice to feel hatred.
-
stubborn,
unwilling to accept that often people have done the best that they could
knowing what they did at the time.
What irrational thinking contributes to my hatred?
-
They
should have known better.
-
No
one should have to go through what I have in my lifetime.
-
They
should have known how badly they were making me feel.
-
He
should not have been so mean to me.
-
She
should not have left me the way she did.
-
I
should have been recognized for all the good things I did.
-
He
should not have been so manipulative with me.
-
She
should have done the things I told her to do.
-
They
should have recognized my goodness, talent, competency, and worth and told
me so.
-
What
good is it to forgive and forget the past now?
-
I
will never trust another human being again.
-
My
life should be easier than it is.
-
If
only I had had good luck and the benefits of others, e.g., education, money,
good looks, I would be a happy person.
-
No
matter how hard a person works he will never change his fate.
-
I
am always taken advantage of and always end up a loser in relationships.
-
All
_______ are bad. (Parents, men, women, children, Jews, blacks, whites,
Asians, Hispanics, Polish, Italians, Arabs, psychologists, doctors, lawyers,
car salesmen, insurance companies, or your personal object of hate.)
How can I overcome my hatred?
To
overcome my hatred of a person or group of people I need to:
-
assess
my hatred: is it based on what is real or on what is imagined.
-
determine
if the person or group of people intentionally set out to hurt, abuse,
neglect, or mistreat me.
-
analyze
whether or not the person or group of people knew how negatively I was being
affected by them.
-
identify
what relevant facts were lacking for the person or group of persons in their
dealings with me.
-
analyze
what my thinking was like at the time I was being mistreated.
-
identify
the irrational component of my thinking about this mistreatment and replace
it with more rational and realistic thinking.
-
perform
anger work-out sessions until I have exhausted my hatred to the point where
I can forgive and forget the past.
-
admit
that even if a person set out to hurt me, knowing full well how badly I
would feel, it does me no good to harbor this hatred. It exhausts my
emotional energy. I need to let go of it and get on with my life.
Steps to overcoming hatred
Step
1: I first need to read "The Hatred Parable,'' then answer the
questions regarding the story in my journal.
The
Hatred Parable
There
once was an alcoholic father and mother who had two lovely daughters. One
daughter was bitter over the way her parents had treated her sister and her, so
when she was eighteen she left home to get a job and live in an apartment. The
other daughter, who was ten at the time, stayed home until she was twenty-two.
Then she married, and she and her husband moved into the house next to her
parents.
The
first daughter lived alone, and on her own but in her hometown for six years
before she married. After she married, however, she moved far away from her
parents. Unfortunately, this daughter married an alcoholic, and the marriage
ended sadly after four years. The woman lived alone for years thereafter, filled
with hatred toward her parents for ruining her life. She had not been prepared
for marriage to a healthy person, and that's why she inadvertently sought out an
alcoholic for a husband. She was also filled with hatred toward men. She felt
that men held all the power and control and were content to treat women like
slaves.
Several
years after her divorce she was living alone 1500 miles from her parents and
sister. It had been fifteen years since she left home. Her younger sister had
been married for three years by this time and was still living with her husband
next door to the parents. The older sister was dealing with her hatred toward
both her parents and men. As part of her therapeutic work toward self-healing
she was to write two letters, one to her parents and the other to her younger
sister.
The
older sister wrote and told her parents that she forgave them for the past
because she recognized that alcoholism was a disease that had prevented her
parents from doing what would have been "ideal.'' She asked her parents to
visit her in the big city so she could show them the side of her life hidden
from them for the past fifteen years.
In
the letter to her younger sister she wrote that she had been jealous of the
approval and attention given to the younger daughter by the parents. She asked
her sister how she could limit her potential by getting married so young. Didn't
she know that being a slave to a man was no life for a woman? Wasn't she afraid
that her husband would turn out like Dad? Didn't she feel that she deserved more
out of life than being controlled by a man and winding up a nursemaid to Mom and
Dad. The older sister asked her younger sister to come visit her in the big city
to see the good life that was possible for a single woman.
Back
home, the two letters were received, read, and shared by the parents and the
younger sister. They were confused by the double messages. The older daughter
was saying on one hand, I've given up my hatred, but on the other hand her
bitterness and hatred jumped off the page. How were they going to respond to the
older daughter? What would be the right thing to say? They decided simply to
ignore the letters, hoping that the older daughter would communicate a clearer
idea of what she really wanted from them.
Questions:
A.
Which sister is more like you?
B.
What good did blaming her parents do for the older sister? What good did
blaming her divorced husband do?
C.
What are some possible reasons for the older sister's choice of husband?
D.
What did it benefit the older sister to get out of the family's house?
E.
What difference would it have made to this story if we knew both parents
were recovered alcoholics at the time the letters were written?
F.
What type of man did the younger sister probably marry? What role models
did her mother and older sister offer her as a wife?
G.
What feelings did the younger sister have about her older sister when she
realized that she had been abandoned by her at ten years of age? How did these
feelings affect their relationship? How did these feelings affect her choice of
spouse? How did these feelings affect her relationship with her parents?
H.
How well did the older sister overcome her hatred as reflected in her
letters? What was wrong? What still needed to be worked on? What was lacking in
her letters?
I.
How often do I think I've overcome my hatred until someone points out the
inconsistency in my thinking, feelings, or behavior?
J.
What does this story tell me about overcoming my hatred?
Step
2: After reading the story and answering the questions, I need to
identify the person or persons for whom I feel hatred. For each one I need to
answer these questions in my journal:
A.
I feel hatred for:
B.
I hate this person because:
C.
This person's behavior toward me resulted in:
D.
How real are these events? When did they occur? Is this a perception, an
assumption, or just imagined? If it is reality, continue to Step 3.
Step
3: Once I've identified an item of real hatred, I need to work at
overcoming the hatred by answering the following questions about each hated
person in my journal:
A.
How well informed was this hated person about the effects of the hated
action on me?
B.
What did this person need to know in order to prevent affecting me
negatively?
C.
What blocked this person from knowing what would have been good for me?
D.
What is my thinking like in dealing with this hated person? How rational
is my thinking? What rational replacements do I need?
Step
4: I must perform anger work-out sessions for each hated person until I
can let go of my hatred and forgive and forget.
I
need to forgive each person for hurting me. This will allow the release of my
energy, get me unstuck, and move me on toward health.
Step
5: If I am unable to release my hatred for a person, or group, I will
return to Step 1 and begin again.
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