 Tools
for Anger Work-Out
Handling Confrontation
Content:
What is confrontation?
I
use confrontation to:
-
address
a negative situation.
-
express
my negative emotional response.
-
let
others see and feel my anger.
-
openly
ventilate my anger.
-
change
others' behavior.
-
change
the things that get me angry.
-
stand
up for my rights when I feel they are being violated.
-
clarify
what has happened and why it has upset me.
-
get
corrective action taken.
-
do
hostile anger work-out on people (inappropriate) rather than on inanimate
objects (appropriate).
What are the types of confrontations?
Angry
confrontation:
This is when I'm angry at someone and I reveal my anger to that person by words
and/or actions. It is explosive. Examples:
Saying, "You've really done it this time!'' while
throwing objects down or slamming the door. or
Telling
another "Get out of here'' while physically pushing the person out
of the way.
Assertive
confrontation: This
is when I stand up for my rights with a person who has ignored my rights. It is
objective and non-accusatory. Examples:
"I get frustrated when you ignore my offers of help.'' or
"I was angry when I got passed over for that promotion.''
Direct
confrontation: This is my clear, precise statement of the facts to a
person whom I believe needs direction and guidance. I either want quality action
taken or I want this person to do something for me. Examples:
"John, please clean this place before I return.'' or "Mary,
the way to get my attention is by writing a memo to me, not by skipping work.''
Indirect
confrontation: This
is a statement of concern I make to a group of people with no specific person
pinpointed. The purpose is to let people know my feelings in a general way. No
one gets singled out. Examples: "I
want each of you to get behind my desire to improve our production.'' or "I
am upset with the way some of you are acting around here.''
Accusation:
This
is a direct confrontation of a person regarding my belief that their behavior
was upsetting or unacceptable. Examples:
"You were the person who started the fight.'' or
"Your use of sarcasm upsets the tone of our meeting.''
or "All those calls couldn't be business related.''
Ordering:
This is my attempt to straighten some one out by giving directions that need to
be followed to the letter. Examples: "To
improve your performance you must work at least 30 minutes extra each night for
the next month.'' or "Change your clothes immediately! Get
that earring out of your ear! and wash your face!''
Blaming:
This
is similar to an accusation but it lays the total responsibility on another
person for a problem that angers me. Examples:
"Your careless playing caused us to lose the game.'' or
"Your lack of interest in our relationship led to my having an affair.''
Belittling:
When
I'm displeased with someone's behavior I try to make them feel especially bad by
severely criticizing their unacceptable behavior. Examples:
"You are a sorry excuse for a human being.'' or "Your
presentation was pitiful. Did you notice everyone yawning? They were all
bored!''
Lecturing:
When
I really want to make a point I become grandiose and pompous. I give a person
complete, rigid directions for what I feel is imperative. Examples: "The
only way to cut a lawn is from left to right overlapping one inch between
rows.'' or "The dining room table must be set exactly right,
napkins folded so, chairs angled so.''
Scolding:
If I am upset and disappointed with the behavior of a person, I can resort to a
finger-pointing tirade to let that person know of my displeasure. Examples: "I'm
tired of this. I'm in charge and you don't act like anything is important.'' or
"Your grades in school are horrible! What have you been doing this
semester? Daydreaming?''
Name
calling:
I am really upset, out of control, and at an irrational level of anger. I resort
to shouting or angrily calling out names of disdain, displeasure, and
disrespect. Examples: "You worthless bum! How dare you!'' or
"Stupid idiot! Can't you see?''
Put
downs:
If a person has upset me and I want that person not only to squirm but to be
equally upset, then I resort to a sarcastic put down, trying to make the person
feel miserable and embarrassed. Examples: "Thank
God we have `white out' around here. You will need a paint can of it for your
work.'' or "What do you expect from a college graduate?''
How do people usually react to my inappropriate
confrontations?
When
I use:
Assertive
confrontation,
they recognize that I have hurt feelings, and that needs of mine have not been
met. They know how they can correct the situation for me.
Angry
confrontation,
they usually react like they understand how I'm feeling. Their reaction to my
anger depends on how they would react to any anger situation.
Direct
confrontation,
they realize what I am upset about and they either respond or ignore what I say
Indirect
confrontation,
they know what is bothering me but usually don't respond; they are never quite
certain to whom it was directed.
Accusation,
they usually become defensive and begin to protect themselves from my
confrontation as if they had been attacked.
Ordering,
they are offended by my authoritarian attitude and often react in a passive
aggressive manner.
Blaming,
they are hurt, offended, and are usually quick to defend themselves.
Belittling,
they are usually so befuddled, dismayed, and feeling insignificant and devalued
that they retreat from me with lowered self-esteem.
Lecturing,
they usually ignore me and what I am telling them because I come across too
strong, too autocratic, and unbending.
Scolding,
they feel like they are being treated with disrespect, a lack of understanding,
and often turn away from me instead of correcting their behavior as I've
demanded they do.
Name
calling,
they are upset by the cursing, negative attitude, and rage. They back off from,
avoid, and ignore me.
Put
downs,
they are extremely put off by my sarcasm and cynicism. They are incensed and
either ignore me and avoid future contacts with me or fight back with vigor.
What irrational thinking results in inappropriate
confrontations?
-
Say
whatever comes to mind; that's the way I do it.
-
Don't
hold back anything.
-
It's
not important how people react to what I say as long as I say what I am
feeling.
-
I'll
get an ulcer if I hold in my anger.
-
What's
important is to feel my feelings and express them, no matter what others
think or feel.
-
Always
worrying how people react to what I say blocks me from standing up for
myself.
-
I
just can't control myself when I get angry.
-
It
takes too much effort to try to think before I speak.
-
I'd
rather be spontaneous than hold back from saying what I'm thinking.
-
If
people get me angry they deserve what they get. They are just begging for
it.
-
People
deserve what I dish out after they deliberately get me angry.
-
Why
show respect for those who don't respect me?
-
People
don't respect me if I don't fight back and stick up for myself.
-
People
who get me angry are worthless, poor examples of the human race.
-
If
I don't react right away I'll never settle things.
-
It's
better to make a show of power to prevent people from overtaking me.
-
I've
been hurt badly in the past; I deserve to defend myself from future hurts,
no matter what it takes.
-
I
can't be held responsible for how people react to what I say to them.
-
People
who get me angry know better. It's up to them to improve their behavior.
-
I've
always blown up in anger. Why should I change now?
What style of confrontation is most effective?
The
most productive confrontation I can use is direct, assertive, angry
confrontation because it:
-
lets
others know I'm angry and how I feel about the event which precipitated the
confrontation.
-
identifies
the rights I believe are being ignored.
-
directly
addresses the person with whom I am angry; it leaves no room for
misunderstanding just who is being addressed.
-
doesn't
force anyone to become overly defensive, feel offended, or experience
devaluing as a person.
-
doesn't
put me into the role of an autocratic despot or irrational, raging fool.
-
shows
respect to others and lets them know that I am angry with the behavior and
not with the person.
-
describes
the negative behavior rather than attacking the person.
-
is
corrective-action oriented, not punitive.
-
elicits
a direct response rather than a generalized one.
-
doesn't
shut people down and make them want to run away; it allows for compromise
and a ``win-win'' solution.
How do I conduct a direct, assertive, angry
confrontation?
When
someone or something gets me angry, I need to:
First: Identify exactly what gets me angry. What do I feel is a
violation of my rights? Which rights have been violated? Example:
I'm ignored by the leader of our group, and this affects my right to be
heard.
Second: Identify the behavior that is so upsetting. Why do I feel the
way I do. Example: The
leader acting all knowing.
Third: Tell the person directly how the behavior makes me feel by using an
``I'' statement, like: When you did (the behavior) it made me angry
(or other feeling). Example: When
you ignored my input last night and you were acting like a know-it-all I was
angry, hurt, and upset.
Fourth: Once I've given my "I'' statement, I can describe
corrective action, like: in
the future when you feel like (describe person's feelings) then you have
my permission to take the following action: (describe it.) I think that's
fair. Example: In the future
if you feel my input is irrelevant, you have permission to tell me and ask me to
explain myself.
Fifth: Once I've secured corrective action for the confrontation, I give
the person permission to "call me on it'' if I continue to dwell on
this episode anytime I get angry in the future. Example:
If I bring up this episode again, please remind me of our
agreement.
Sixth: Finally I do healthy anger work-out until I have exhausted my
anger over this episode and those involved. This is done in private with an
inanimate object.
Steps to improving my use of confrontation
Step
1: I first need to assess my feelings about confrontation. I need to
answer these questions in my journal:
A.
Do I use confrontation when I am angry?
B.
What type of confrontation do I use?
C.
What is the typical response to my confrontation?
D.
How successful is my use of confrontation?
E.
How healthy are my confrontations?
F.
Why do I resort to poor confrontation techniques when I am angry?
G.
Do I have time when I get angry to prepare my confrontation and be sure
it is healthy?
H.
What irrational thinking blocks my use of confrontation?
I.
What thinking leads me to the use of negative confrontation?
J.
How can I correct this irrational thinking?
Step
2: I am now ready to explore a healthy model of direct, assertive, angry
confrontation. To do this I need to analyze instances of anger from my past and
re-script them for a healthy confrontation.
To
analyze my anger sequences I will look at five incidents of anger during which I
was unsuccessful. I'll use the steps in How do I conduct a direct, assertive, angry
confrontation?
to write new scripts and show how the situation could have been improved.
Step
3: Now that I have written five re-scripted confrontations, I need to
practice the six-step confrontation model in current situations. I'll record my
progress.
Step
4: If I am still having problems with confrontation I need to return to
Step 1 and begin again.
| 
Coping.org:
Tools for Coping
with Life's
Stressors
Coping.org
is a Public Service of James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D.,
Email: