Humorous

Every U down in Uville liked U.S. a lot,
But the Binch, who lived Far East of Uville, did not.
The Binch hated U.S! the whole U.S. way!
Now don't ask me why, for nobody can say,
It could be his turban was screwed on too tight.
Or the sun from the desert had beaten too bright
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But, Whatever the reason, his heart or his turban,
He stood facing Uville, the part that was urban.
"They're doing their business," he snarled from his perch.
"They're raising their families! They're going to church!
They're leading the world, and their empire is thriving,
I MUST keep the U's and S's from surviving!"

Tomorrow, he knew, all the U's and the S's,
Would put on their pants and their shirts and their dresses,
They'd go to their offices, playgrounds and schools,
And abide by their U and S values and rules,

And then they'd do something he liked least of all,
Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand all united, each U and each S,
And they'd sing Uville's anthem, "God bless us! God bless!"
All around their Twin Towers of Uville, they'd stand,
and their voices would drown every sound in the land.

"I must stop that singing," Binch said with a smirk,
And he had an idea--an idea that might work!
The Binch stole some U airplanes in U morning hours,
And crashed them right into the Uville Twin Towers.
"They'll wake to disaster!" he snickered, so sour,
"And how can they sing when they can't find a tower?"

The Binch cocked his ear as they woke from their sleeping,
All set to enjoy their U-wailing and weeping,
Instead he heard something that started quite low,
And it built up quite slow, but it started to grow--
And the Binch heard the most unpredictable thing...
And he couldn't believe it--they started to sing!

He stared down at U-ville, not trusting his eyes,
What he saw was a shocking, disgusting surprise!
Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any towers at all!
He HADN'T stopped U-Ville from singing! It sung!
For down deep in the hearts of the old and the young,
Those Twin Towers were standing, called Hope and called Pride,
And you can't smash the towers we hold deep inside.

So we circle the sites where our heroes did fall,
With a hand in each hand of the tall and the small,
And we mourn for our losses while knowing we'll cope,
For we still have inside that U-Pride and U-Hope.

For America means a bit more than tall towers,
It means more than wealth or political powers,
It's more than our enemies ever could guess,
So may God bless America! Bless us! God bless!

A Proposition

Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.

Let the Special Forces, Seals or whoever covertly captures him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation.

The Wish

Three men, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and President Bush are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels can come into our precious state." Again with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

President Bush asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - virtually impenetrable."

A Matter of Conscience

Below is a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but I think you will find it beneficial to think through this exercise.

The situation: You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.

You're a freelance photographer for a news service, you're traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes that you can shoot.

You come across Osama Bin Laden who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.

You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.

What to Do with Him?

And then send him back to Afghanistan to live out the rest of his life as a woman under the Taliban government....

A Virus Warning! Really!!

I don't usually forward these WARNINGS, but this is so deadly I felt that I just must let everyone know about it. Please read all the way to the bottom.

If you receive an e-mail entitled ";Bad time"; delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, It will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

BEWARE This is Not a Hoax!

I usually don’t forward these but this one is particularly frightening to me....

Don’t go to the bathroom on October 28^th. CIA intelligence reports that a major plot is planned for that day. Anyone who takes a sh*t on the 28^th will be bitten on the butt by an alligator.
Reports indicate that organized groups of alligators are planning to rise up into unsuspecting American’s toilet bowls and bite them when they are doing their dirty business.

I usually don’t send emails like this, but I got this information from a reliable source. It came from a friend of a friend whose cousin is dating this girl whose brother knows this guy whose wife knows this lady whose husband buys hotdogs from this guy who knows a shoeshine guy who shines the shoes of a mailroom worker who has a friend whose drug dealer sells drugs to another mailroom worker who works in the CIA building. He
apparently overheard two guys talking in the bathroom about alligators and came to the conclusion that we are going to be attacked. So it must be true

News Flash!

At a hastily called press conference this morning, Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Bin Dovr, warned the United States that if any further military action was taken against Afghanistan, Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 5 terrorist have been operating at a local Company.

Security also stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin, Bin Whinin, and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues.

Security advises further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the office.

Watch Out Taliban! Calling All Women of Age!

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning.

We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound.

We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all! We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events -- finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it -- with or without the government's help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like fire ants with our hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.

NAVAL WARNING

What follows is a transcript of the actual radio conversation between a U. S. Naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER U.S.S. LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES north. I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES north, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ASSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Short Takes

Women are tougher than men

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists....two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!!"

The Nine Eleven Conspiracy

Oh my God! How worried should I be? There are 11 letters in the name "David Pawson!" I'm going into hiding NOW. See you in a few weeks.

WTC Rubble

All the huge blocks of concrete and steel, the old busted up computers, refrigerators, hot water heaters, air conditioners, fire trucks, Lazyboy recliners, broken glass, etc., should be shoveled into C130's and C5A's, flown over Iraq and Afghanistan and dropped from 32,000 feet. An old Maytag washing machine can do a heck of a lot of damage from 5 miles up! With each assault we can drop pamphlets: "Greetings, from the 110th floor of the World Trade Center."

The next day it could be from the 109th floor... Then the 108th floor, the 107th, etc., etc. After 110 days of this, there can't be much left standing on the ground. Can't you just see the headlines: "WORLD TRADE CENTER STRIKES BACK!" What wonderful irony this would be and think how much money we wouldn't have to spend on new bombs or missiles! ... not to mention the 100 million tons diverted from the NYC landfill...

A husband and wife were watching the devastation on TV of the World Trade Center; the videos of different countries around the world; crying with Americans over the events of the past few weeks; reporters updating and attempting to analyze political strategy; President Bush making speeches.

The wife turns to the husband and says, "I'm so thankful that Bush is our President. He is doing such a wonderful job."

Boudreaux's Puppy

George and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one big dog fight.

They agreed that they would have five years to breed the best fighting dogs in the world and who's ever dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama and his dog handler Mohammed found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world, then bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves they could find. From the litters, they selected the biggest and strongest puppy and trained it day and night to fight to the death. After five years Osama and Mohammed came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, George and his dog handler, Boudreaux, showed up with a nine foot long Dachshund. It was the strangest looking dog anyone had ever seen. Boudreaux said it was a Cajun Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for George and Boudreaux because they knew there was no way that this poor excuse for a dog could possibly last 10 seconds with Osama's big, mean animal.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund slowly came out of its cage, wagged its tail, then waddled over towards Osama's dog. The Doberman/Rottweiler/Wolf snarled and leaped out of its cage, then charged the poor Dachshund. But when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and ate Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the snarling beast.

Osama came up to George and Boudreaux shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened! We had our best people working for five years with the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers, and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves in the world. How did you do this?"

"Da's easy", said Boudreaux, the Cajun. "We 'ad our bess plasic surgins workin' fo' five year for to make dat gator look like a weenie dog."

The Night Before Payback

The Night Before Ramadan

Binny's Memo

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.

Coping with the 9.11.01 Aftermath

Written Mood Reflecting Sidebars of The Aftermath

Humorous 9.11 Aftermath Materials

If Dr. Suess Told the Tale...

The Binch a Poem by Rob Suggs

A Proposition

The Wish

A Matter of Conscience

What to Do with Him?

A Virus Warning! Really!!

BEWARE This is Not a Hoax!

News Flash!

Cell of 5 Terrorists Sighted at Local Business

Watch Out Taliban! Calling All Women of Age!

NAVAL WARNING

Short Takes

Women are tougher than men

The Nine Eleven Conspiracy

WTC Rubble

A little humor.....

Boudreaux's Puppy

The Night Before Payback

The Night Before Ramadan

Binny's Memo

I N T E R C A V E M E M O

Bumper Sticker Sighting

"IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN...

"IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING..!!"

"United States Marines..."